I made it through my day without binging yesterday. I made it through my day without having a Coke. I made it through my day without the ice cream I wanted. I made it through my day without the cookies offered to me at work and waiting on the counter when I got home. Some days are just like that. You just have to get through them.
I've had a lot of stress at work. More than usual. It's been this way for the last few months. I can't believe I've made it through without giving up on my healthy changes. Always before it's been, "I can't deal with all this right now." Or, "when I get through this, I'll get right back on track."
But there's always another thing, project, problem. There's always a holiday, a birthday, a vacation. There's always a promotion, graduation, celebration. There's always losing a loved one, a disappointment, a loss of a job, or a GAIN on that scale. There's always being tired, being busy, too much to do. There's always kids needing baths, taken to tae kwon do or football games or school. There's always a lawn to mow, flower beds to weed, dog to feed. There's always board games to play, splashing in the pool, tickling fights in the floor. There's always, always life.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Whenever a patient says to me, "It's hell getting old." or "I don't know how I'll make it." My response is always, "There's only one alternative."
And so, my puny little gain of 1.8 pounds seemed like a silly thing to be that upset about. Just. Plain. Silly. There are so many things I have to be thankful for. The changes I am making will make that list just that much longer. That is all that matters really. I am moving more. I am eating less. I am achieving things I never thought I would. So I made it through my day and ate well, rode my bike and last night when I thought about eating a bunch of cookies (not one, a bunch), I stopped. I ended up eating 8 vanilla wafers (140 cals) and 8 0z of milk (100 cal). I still came in under budget on my calories.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit guilty about it. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I wish I hadn't wanted ANY cookies. I wish I didn't like them. I wish they didn't exist. I wish I wasn't weak. I wish. I wish. As a kid I used to wish I was skinny. As a teenager I would wish I was pretty and had a boyfriend. As a grown up I wish I'd win the lottery.
"Believing is not wishing." I read that in a book I'm reading. It's not a self help book or a diet book or anything. It's a fiction book by Dean Koontz. It just struck me. I mean I was reading on the elliptical and I literally stopped for a second. "Believing is not wishing." Think about it.
I believe I can be healthy. I believe I can lose weight. I believe I can exercise. I believe I can do a 5K even if it takes me all day. I believe I can eat right. I believe I'll be fine without those cookies. I believe I am capable. I believe I am strong. I believe.
What about you? Are you guilty when you eat some things? How do you handle that guilt? But most of all, ARE YOU BELIEVING OR WISHING?
This blog is an accounting of my personal journey to find fitness. All the content on this blog should be read as a biographical piece of literature, not a medical resource. I am a physician, but I am in no way giving medical advice or establishing doctor patient relationships with my readers. I am simply keeping a diary. If you are starting a diet or exercise program or require medical evaluation or advice, please see your own family physician.