Truth is....

Truth is.......I'm not doing great. I'm struggling with depression and I'm so overwhelmed and busy. Truth is....I'm not eating great and I'm puzzled as to why it seems so hard right now. Truth is.....I have a vacation coming up and I'm tempted to say, "oh I'll get back on track when I get back."  Truth is.....that kind of thinking is what got me where I am.  So truth is......I'm not waiting.

I'm frustrated that this seems so hard. I'm frustrated that I've gained back weight I'd lost. Weight I thought I'd never be able to lose and did anyway. Weight I thought was gone. I thought I'd figured this out and the mental crap keeps on and on AND when I thought I'd settled in to my new lifestyle I realized I got too comfortable. For me that's not good. I lost focus and determination. I got distracted and lost sight of my goal. Got focused on the numbers on the scale which only meant with the weight gain I felt like a failure. Again.

Sigh.......

Truth is I've said all this before and truth is I'm tired of it. It's embarrassing to struggle here on this blog for everyone to see. But truth is....this isn't about any of you or how you feel about me or what you think. It's not about how I look to you or how you judge me. This blog, this journey and this life is all about me. Sounds so selfish but it HAS to be. Truth is...if I don't fix me......if I don't get healthy....if I don't do what I know I must do....I'm the only one that pays. Well....me and my family.

I've got to find a way to get past my emotional hang ups. To find a way to separate food and feelings. It seems silly that as a doctor I can't figure this out. But......SLAP.....once again I'm reminded I'm only human.  Newsflash.....knowing HOW to do something and ACTUALLY doing it are two WAY different things. Hell...I know HOW to break a brick with my hand. It's been explained to me. I've been shown how, but I've never done it. Not yet. But I will. I will when I get my black belt and I know I can do it. Why can't I apply that same belief to my losing weight? Why do I doubt myself? And where did it come from?

Old habits.....bite me. I'm done with you. But it's not so simple as to say, "I'll change."  You then must do it and I am doing it. Maybe not as fast as I wish or as perfect as I wish, but I've changed so much.

Truth is....I've got this exercise thing worked out. Truth is....I work out hard and a lot. Truth is......I've never done that before. Not ever have I had a routine of exercise. But now it's part of me. Now I need it, crave it, must do it.

Truth is........I can do this.

So yes, I have a vacation coming up. It will be filled with hiking and swimming and walking and lots of fun stuff. The focus is not on food. We have healthy snacks ready to pack. We're taking a cooler and it will be filled with water and fruit and healthy things for the whole family. "Can we get some oreos/cheetos/candy/chips/cookies/cupcakes, Mom?" NO! No we cannot. None of us need that shit. It's not part of our life now.  We eat real food now. Will there be treats on the trip? YES. Of course. But for me part of the treat is learning how to travel without eating crap.

Truth is...I need this vacation. I need time with my family and time alone. Time to see beautiful places and wonder and know that we are not alone here. To be thankful and happy and let go of sad things and irritations and the little things that are always weighing me down. So I'll let them go and be happy to do so. And I can come home and renew my focus on where I want to be and what I want to do.

I won't be blogging while I'm gone. At least I don't plan to. You never know what I'll do if I get a thought and want to get it down. But, know that I'll be back in a couple of weeks and I'll be reading and checking in on all of you when I can. And when I get back.......GAME ON. Renewed focus and......

P90X is waiting for me........

Truth is..........I'm excited.........

What's your truth?

What can BROWN do for me? And some pics!!

I survived the weekend AND my brown belt test. It was a very busy weekend with kids stuff and my test, but I made it through. Sunday I collapsed. I was sore. I was bruised. I was achy. I was pretty much not doing anything.  But today I'm much better.

The test lasted 5 hours. We were one the floor most of the time, but there was one black belt testing so there was some downtime while he did his more advanced stuff. I did pretty good on my stuff. I nailed everything but one of my forms which I screwed up a little. I broke both of my boards. One with my hand. I've never done that before and I was nervous about it. I ended up breaking that one on the first try and the other took 2 tries. Who knew?

This week has been busy. My son has had band camp. That resulted in the great mouth piece crisis of 2012 when he forgot his mouth piece in his locker at school.  We tried to get a new one and needed it the next day, but music store didn't have it.  Called private teacher and he recommended a kind to get, they didn't have that either. Luckily I had the middle school teacher's number, she told us his locker had been dumped. She met us at the school and per chance, hey saved the mouth piece and he was RESCUED. Saved his forgetful, non-planning teenager brain ONCE AGAIN.

Food and exercise is going well this week. I remain irritated with the scale. I think my thyroid is jacked again. On Monday I had a second rest day. I was still bruised and sore from my test. Tuesday I felt great. I went to the class at noon. I finished work in time to go to the evening class and decided to work out instead of just watch my daughter. So 2 classes on Tuesday. Wednesday was a long meeting day and so I rode the bike in the morning and did a little plank and push ups. Today I was supposed to do class at noon, but ran late in clinic. I thought we had class at 6:30, but the summer schedule has changed and I am ALL jacked up so apparently there is no brown belt class at 6:30pm. So I missed my workout and now I'm pissed. Tomorrow is the golf tournament and although I'm not playing, I'm volunteering most of the day so I won't have an opportunity and there are no classes. I'll be getting up to workout in the morning. I'm bummed I won't have TKD until Tuesday now. I'll just have to practice this weekend.

We have a lot to do in preparation for our vacation. My office is swamped which is weird for this time of year, but OK. Allergies are awful and it's been raining for the last 24 hours or so with intermittent storms so I'm sure there will be more of that. Good for business.

Today I'm wearing a shirt I bought last summer for our pics for the office. It was a bit tight in the bust and hips, but now fits fine, but I WEIGH more. I swear I don't understand my body sometimes. Also the arms are looser. I swear last time I measured I wasn't that much different. I don't get it. I'll measure again soon. It's really convincing me that I need a new scale, maybe one of those zero scales that just show the change not your weight.  I'm still tracking my food and all that. I'll admit I've not had enough water yet today. I'll work on that in a few minutes on the drive home.

Anyway, that's all that's up with me. I'll include some pics from my belt test. I hope you all are staying focused. Sometimes in the summer with trips and camps and kids at home we let our diets get loosey goosey. Don't do it. Enjoy the fresh veggies and fruit. Find your farmer's market. Eat real food. Make sure your kids know what veggies and fruit look like before cooking or preparing and WITHOUT cheese sauce.

Recently we tried a golden honey dew melon and OH MY it was sooooo good. I can't wait to get more. So sweet and fresh. I love melon so very much. All kinds. Regular honey dew is my least favorite so I was pleasantly surprised that I loved this new yellow one. I'm always looking for new fruits and veggies. What about you. Try anything new lately?

Broke it, knife hand. First try!

The boards I broke

What can brown do for me? Get me another belt closer to black. Two more then black!

Sweaty, tired and successful!

Funky clouds I saw the other day when driving home. I did STOP to take the pic.