Emotions.....eating me up.

Depressed. Frustrated. Stressed. Overworked. Over scheduled. Discouraged. Worried. Nervous. Anxious. Angry. Guilty. Sad. Mad. Tired.


That about sums it up. I have so much going on in my life right now I'm completely overwhelmed and just plain worn out. There is no quiet time for me right now except the gym or maybe during TKD class. There are so many emotions swirling through me right now. I'm finding it really hard to focus on my diet. Not focusing is bad. Clearly. I've made a few bad choices lately. Not a lot. But enough that I'm mad at myself. Again.

I haven't gained weight, in fact I lost a pound when I weighed in on Friday. I haven't weighed since the weekend when the bad choices took place. I'm trying to get my mind straight and focused before the cruise. I know.  A lot of you are probably thinking, what is she complaining about? She's got this vacation coming in just a few days.

The cruise is very emotional for me. My cousin,who died in March and was like my brother, and I had always talked about going on a cruise "someday". Of course that day never came and never will since he died so young. Now, our whole family is going for Thanksgiving. It is sort of a tribute to him. Don't wait. Love your family now. Don't put things off. That sort of thing.  We're going with my Aunt and her other son, his wife and daughter. My Mom, God mother and my husband and kids of course.  I am looking forward to the cruise. Some time to just rest and relax, but he will be on my mind. This first holiday season without him will be very very hard.

There are a lot of things about his death I am still struggling with. I know some of you are probably sick of this subject. But, it's my blog and if I don't get to write about my feelings, I won't be able to handle my eating.  I have a lot of guilt associated with his death. For reasons I cannot discuss here.   Intellectually I know it is misplaced. But, emotionally I'm trying to handle it. I miss him. And even now there are moments that I forget he's gone. Like the other day when I was starting to make a Christmas list and wrote his name there before I realized I won't need a gift for him this year. 

I've dealt with death before. I've lost people I loved.  But this one was different. For many reasons. For one thing he was a year younger than me. He was my friend and "brother". He had a lot of health and emotional problems that I tried to help him with.  I felt responsible for him. I wanted more for him. I feel like maybe I could have done more. I'm a doctor for goodness sakes. Of course, I did everything I could and his death was not my fault. But, those feelings are there. And they weigh heavily on me.

And then I'm worrying about my god-mother who is battling breast cancer. Luckily a cancer found when it was small, but unfortunately a very aggressive type. Her chemo treatment started. She's doing well considering. She's started losing her hair. And she's feeling pretty bad from the drugs.

On top of those very heavy topics, I am in the midst of a big computer conversion at work. It has to go well or after January our claims won't be paid and that would be BAD. So that is very stressful. Plus, I had to fire an employee and another one quit recently so we're short handed. People in the office are stressed because of all that mess. Plus the current political climate and uncertainty about Medicare and health reform are weighing on me.

Plus it's the holiday season. I have 2 kids who have birthdays and Christmas, neither of which am I in ANY mood to deal with. That produces a significant amount of Mommy guilt which just makes me feel worse.  My anniversary is in a month. 16 years and 21 together. I should be happy, but right now it feels like just one more thing I have to deal with.  Add to that stuff: TKD test coming up. School plays and parties. Yearbook orders and pictures. Boy scout activities. Blah, blah, blah.

So my mom asked me the other day if I was depressed. Apparently my Nanny has mentioned that she is worried about me. Now people are starting to notice and that's worrisome. Depressed? Probably. And that worries me since we're just now entering the time of year when my seasonal depression kicks in. I'm doing all the right things. Trying to sleep, exercise, talk and write about my feelings. I'll be OK. I've been here before. But, I'm worried I'll lose control and gain weight and that would just put me over the edge.

Yesterday I worked out with my trainer. Boy I dreaded going, but after 15 min on the elliptical my body felt good. It was a very difficult workout and I enjoyed it. It's nice to just focus on your body and I felt less stressed afterward.  I've been hungry this week. Really hungry. I don't know if it is the stress or maybe the carbs I ate over the weekend, but either way, I'm having trouble keeping my eating in control. I'm tracking, even the stuff I wish I hadn't eaten, including pumpkin bread and a brownie. There I said it. My calories were not overly bad, not more than 1300.  For now I'm staying the course. I suppose I'm learning as I go. 

I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep going and I'm not going to give up on my goals. What do you do when you are hungry and having trouble controlling it?  Or maybe that never happens to you.  Some of it is emotional, but some of it is actual hunger. Like stomach growling hunger. Are you an emotional eater? I definitely am. Especially sweets and soda. Will this ever get easier? I guess that is some of my frustration. After losing 85 pounds and 18months I am still struggling with this issue.

And now, I'm going to get back to work. Getting behind won't do anything to help my stress.

Total Fail

Yesterday was a total fail. I'm not going into detail, just know that I had a weird bad day and I don't know what brought it on. I didn't work out. I ate stuff I shouldn't have. After all this time of doing so well, yesterday was a TOTAL FAIL. There are no other words for it.

I got up this morning and brushed it off. One day, well really it was only one evening, of total fail does not a failure make.  I have come a really long way to get that. In the past when I've screwed up it meant the whole effort was a failure. I did fine until last night and this morning, I'm right back on track eating on plan with the liquids starting again today and exercise with a TKD class in the works. I'll be sure to swim some laps tonight as well.

I wish I knew why I do that. When I know I shouldn't be eating what I'm eating, but I do it anyway. Is it weakness? Neurosis? Addiction? Self-punishment? Is it emotional eating? Rebellion? Anger at the whole restricted diet? Wanting to reward myself? Or just plain stupidity? Doesn't really matter does it? What matters is that I got up this morning and recognized my mistake and moved forward. What matters is that it's been months since I had a total fail. These things get fewer and farther between and I hope I'll put them behind me for good. Even at a goal weight you can't afford many of these things. I just have to realize that to look the way I want and feel the way I want there are certain foods that I just can't have.

What's weird is I know that. I'm actually fine with it. When I started this whole business of life change I would get all antsy at the thought of never having chips or ice cream or fries or burgers. Now, it just doesn't matter that much. I've found healthy alternatives for those things and I honestly don't miss the garbage I used to eat regularly. The thought of fast food turns my stomach these days. I mean even last night I took the girls to Sonic as a treat, but I didn't order me a thing except a diet limeade.  I just didn't want that crap.

But then I got home and I was tired and feeling lazy. I ate some stuff, then ate some more. AHA! Maybe it was the not wanting to cook a meal and just grabbing something that set off this total fail. Of course it was. Truth is I wasn't THAT hungry last night. But I ate crap I shouldn't have anyway. Boredom? Tired? Boys being gone so no one was watching?

Truth is my definition of TOTAL FAIL has completely changed. Used to it would be a whole day if not weeks of eating crap. Candy, cookies, cakes, Mexican food, pizza, Chinese. Meal after meal of take out or drive through. Now, it was one evening of snacking on a few things I shouldn't eat. Maybe that's less of a fail than I realize. BUT, my standards are higher now. I just don't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons I've lost 84 pounds.  And the fact that I recognize the problem and put a stop to it means that this life change business is real.

My lifestyle is different now. I am absolutely committed to losing this weight and having an active and healthy lifestyle. One slip doesn't destroy that. BUT, it doesn't make it right either. I have high expectations for me now. I expect better for myself. I'm harder on myself because I have to be. I'm disappointed in myself, but I won't allow that to put me off my plan.

AND, here I am using this blog the way I envisioned when I started it. Working out my issues, staying accountable and staying on track.  Now THAT is no fail. That's a victory.

All THAT over a BURGER???

Hello all! It's Wednesday already! This week is flying by. Thank goodness since this first week of the challenge is......well.......a challenge. Several people asked what challenge I'm talking about. And for those who don't know you can find out here and here.  It is very restrictive and radical at first, but morphs into a pretty decent healthy diet. It is basically a diet that someone who will have or has had gastric bypass surgery will follow.

I joined the challenge because I had frankly been floundering with my diet. And by floundering I mean eating flounder and beef and chicken and cookies and potatoes and veggies and just too much. This is a way of re-committing and getting my mind off food. It's not for everyone. To be honest I didn't think it was for me. But, 3 days in and I am doing well and already seeing results. (Official weigh in later).  It has greatly simplified my life in that food is not an option for me at all. And again I say I really think I needed this. Of course by next week, I may change my mind. But, right now, I'm doing fine. I'm peeing A LOT. More than usual and the other bathroom issue is....not an issue.

So today  In-and-Out-Burger opened a few miles from here. The ENTIRE Dallas area is all buzzing about this. There were people waiting in line for like 6 hours today. FOR. A. BURGER. What's wrong with this country? I wouldn't wait in line for 6 hours for free lobster, let alone a burger. Even the best burger on the planet is not worth this kind of buzz. I just kept thinking that if all these people would get THAT excited about working out, we might not have an obesity crisis in America. I remember when Krispy Kreme came here and it was the same thing. It's a sad commentary on what we value. There were parents who took their kids out of school and stood in that line to feed them burgers and fries. A pile of fat and cholesterol. Basically they had their kids miss school and stand in line to feed them food that can kill them.  They just taught their children that THIS kind of food is more important than ANYTHING. What a bad bad bad lesson.

Sorry to go off on a rant, but it's just that kind of thinking that got me where I was a year ago. That food is worth whatever cost. That the only way I can REALLY be happy and live and enjoy life is by eating that crap. It was a lesson taught to me by my family. To place that kind of emotional importance on our food is DANGEROUS. It's killing us. Diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cancer.....the list goes on an on. It's just plain sad and infuriating and I WISH someone had discussed this stuff with me when I was a kid.  Better yet, I wish someone in my life had been living a good example for me, showing me there's another way.

Not that you shouldn't be able to have a burger now and then. Like..... MORE THEN THAN NOW.  The problem is that eating that way is common place now. And a lot of people eat that way even when they cook at home, if they do. I know patients that think cooking a frozen pizza is COOKING. Sigh......  We just have to STOP making such a big deal out of really unhealthy foods. The media doesn't help. It's been all over the news and radio and they make it look like THE place to be and THE food to eat.  Truth is NO ONE no matter what their weight or how "healthy" should eat that kind of food on a regular basis.

AND why can't we invent a healthy drive through? Like with veggies and grilled fish or something? I have 3 kids and I know some days cooking is not an option. Some times your schedule is crazy. Sometimes you just don't WANT to deal with it and you want something easy. But there really is no HEALTH food drive through. WHY NOT?

Anyway, it will be a long long time before I go to In-and-Out. For one thing the challenge won't be over until July 31st. And for another thing......THE CROWDS! I've never had one of their burgers. I just find it hard to believe that they live up to the hype. And you know what's really great?  I don't even care about finding out. NOW tell me my thinking on food hasn't changed. Take THAT fat-girl me.

 Rant over....

 And now question day from Suzi:
1. How many pillows do you use?? One, sometimes none.

2. Do you own a bike? Yes, but I haven't ridden in a while. Having little kids that can't keep up has limited us. One project for the summer is to get the girls riding big girl bikes. Then, we can take family rides.
3. Would you describe yourself as active? Somewhat active? Not really active at all?? I think I'm active now. I just realized that I can say that without any hesitation whatsoever. Yeah me!

4. Do you eat certain foods in moderation or do you need to stay away from them altogether? There are things I should just not do. Like potato chips. Crackers, especially gold fish. And cereal.

5. What are you having for dinner tonight? I'm having liquids on the challenge food. But, I do get some watermelon and jello later. Yummy!

So what do you think? Would you stand in line 6 hours for a burger? Have you had one of these AWESOME burgers? Do you think they are REALLY that awesome? Do you think the hype and importance we place on food plays a role for you? How do we change it?

Home Again and Where's the Doctor?

Hello everyone! Busy week has left me not getting posts up as much as I'd like. I'm tired from last night and staying up late watching my Mavs win (yeah!) against the Lakers (boo)  AGAIN (YEAH!).  Can. Not. Believe. It. But we'll take it. And a couple more please. I'd love to sweep 'em.

I've done great on my eating this week. I have stayed on plan and eaten well. I haven't seen a loss on the scale yet. I'm waiting. Patiently.  I'm writing now because I'm hungry or I think I am and it's way to late to eat. I arrived in Oklahoma this evening and I'm sitting on the sofa at my Aunt's house. I'm wanting to go explore and get food, but I will not. Instead, I am here blogging because I didn't have any other time to do it and because if I'm thinking about this blog I'm not thinking of food.

Tomorrow I'll attend my medical school reunion. Thanks to all of you who left helpful comments and those of support regarding my request for tips on how to handle the temptation. I have a plan. There is a luncheon tomorrow and I've planned to stop on the way to the meeting to get healthy snacks for my purse. That way if the food is unacceptable, I'll have something to eat. I plan to eat  some fruit and drink a lot of water before the reception and dinner tomorrow. I've also vowed to avoid alcohol. I don't need the calories or the bloat. Water water water is on the agenda. I've come to rely on that and I'm amazed at how often I crave the stuff.

I found out that next week I'll take a early make up test for TKD and get my green belt. I'm most excited as I was so bummed when I was injured and unable to take the test last time. I know all the material and the instructor doesn't want me to be bored for another month until the scheduled test. I'll just have to go in and do the sparring portion of the test on test day.

I went to class today at noon and I'm sore, especially after driving for 3 hours. But I did a little stretching after and that helped. I was amazed at everything I did in class today. We did a ton of extra kicking drills and punching. I got a pair of gloves for my hands. They're martial arts gloves, not big boxing ones. I was glad because I didn't have them on Tuesday and after sparring my hands were kinda sore.  I have to say I felt pretty bad ass all decked out in my gloves and stuff, punching the bags and kicking and ducking. I am still using the fitbit and I'll tell you that I'm enjoying it immensely. I know that every calorie is being tracked and that really motivates me to stay on track. Today I walked 8, 942 steps. I'm just a few days in but I haven't done the 10,000 yet. I'm getting closer. I'm sure I can get to 9,000 before I'm done tonight.

I saw several paitents today that hadn't seen me in a while. Two of them didn't recognize me and thought I was a new Nurse Practitioner. One of them was quite upset that her appointment was changed to see the NP instead of me. I was a little amused at that.  I had to assure them that I was, in fact, the doctor and I guess after they heard my voice they realized I'm still in here. These were patients I see for just physicals once a year so they hadn't seen me in quite a while. That was weird. And I am surprised when this happens because I still feel so fat sometimes and I have so far to go.

One of my employees asked if I was at my lowest weight. I told her I was almost the lowest I've been in my adult life. She said I was looking amazing and I was so strong and she admired all the exercise I do. I tried to encourage her to workout. She and another employee are going to start doing zumba on DVD at lunch next week and I told them I'd join them on days I'm not in TKD. That should be fun.  These two employees also were shocked when I told them I had about 65 pounds left to lose. They literally said they couldn't imagine me 60 pounds lighter. I laughed and said, "me neither." But, I told them to be "normal" that's how much I have left. It was nice to have this conversation without finally feeling weird or irritable or annoyed. They didn't seem to be judging me and that helped a lot. They also didn't offer unsolicited advice which was fabulous.

What is it about being "home" that makes me crave bad stuff? Is it knowing that there is likely a bag of Oreos somewhere in the kitchen? Or is it an emotional response to the memories I have as food for comfort? I don't know but I'm ready for bed because if I don't I could be in trouble.

Waking Up.

The last week has been like a bad dream. My mind has been filled with a fog that has kept me unfocused and unmotivated. I haven't slept much and that makes it worse. The funeral for my cousin was on Friday. It was the hardest funeral I've ever been to. I've been to a lot, unfortunately. But, saying goodbye to someone who was like a brother to me has left me confused, angry, guilty, and desperately sad.

I've spent a lot of time in quiet thought and prayer and today I woke up feeling a little better. I woke up feeling like I'd slept. I woke up without memories of terrible dreams. I woke up wishing I could sleep more since I finally had a little rest.

Last Wednesday evening after work I headed home to Oklahoma.  It was comforting to be home among family and friends. I just wanted to help. To do something, anything. I certainly couldn't focus on work. Thursday we spent the day finishing the funeral arrangements. Part of that meant that I spent hours and hours going through family photos. That was very hard. But, I knew my Aunt could not do it.  Photos like these.

My cousin and I about age 3

It's Oklahoma, what can I say.

There are so many more.  We went to the cemetery, the funeral home, ran some errands. There is a lot of paperwork and chores associated with death. Hard decisions to make. I've learned that you really need to sit down and put in writing your wishes so it's not so hard on your family. My husband and I are going to work on this very soon.

The funeral was.....a good service. There were so many people there which is good for the support, but bad because you almost feel like your grief is on public display. But, that is how it's done. And then there was the food.

I don't know about where you are from, but in the south death=food. People start bringing stuff the minute the news gets out and continues for days and days. It's wonderful and yet not. At least we didn't have to think about food and the house was full of people so we didn't have to entertain or prepare anything. It's just another way people can show you that they care. And if you read my blog you know how food=love in my family.

On the bright side, I learned that my new body really does have to move. I hadn't worked out all week and when I woke up Thursday, I had to. HAD to. I decided to go for a walk/jog. I did C25K.  I learned one thing. Running while crying is damn hard. Between the cool air, the pollen and the tears, it wasn't too easy and I didn't go very fast. I didn't realize how many angry and sad songs I have on my iphone. Gotta work on that.  Anyway, after I felt a little better. I did some TKD practice and stretches after.

I can't tell you how many people told me how different I looked. How good I looked. How they didn't even recognize me at first. I've gotten used to these sorts of comments. It was just weird when I felt so bad on the inside.

Saturday I drove my Aunt and my Great-Aunt to the beauty shop. Another southern "old lady" thing. Saturday morning you get your hair fixed for church the next day. I was surprised she wanted to go, but I guess routine is a comfort in some ways. By chance there was a park next door with a walking track. So I went out, in the cold, and by cold I mean 45ish, and walked. I did 1.5 miles.

I also woke up this morning realizing that this crap-food fest I've been on has to be over. For one thing I gained 4 pounds. I am bloated and just plain icky. My stomach was queasy and gross last night after the Arby's drive through we had on the way home. I can't even begin to tell you how many calories I've consumed. There's been cake, cookies, Cokes, alcohol, pies, fried chicken, baked beans, greek food, pizza, lasagna and so much more. The truth is I didn't enjoy it nearly as much I used to. I found myself eating out of habit. I'm a little ashamed about that.

So now I am getting back on track. With my eating, with my exercise, with my emotions, with my schedule. As hard as it is, life must go on. And I'll be damned if the hard work I've done to improve my life is undone by tragedy.  There are those in this world dealing with much worse than I. I will turn my thoughts and prayers toward gratitude. For the times and memories I have of my cousin. For the love of my family and friends. For the career and talents God has given me. For the things I've learned over the last year of healthy changes. For the things I can do now that I couldn't before. For the future whatever it may hold. I will focus on my blessings and that will get me through.

What are you grateful for today?  Have you had those difficult conversations with your family about your wishes?  How are you waking up on this Monday morning?

Did you miss it??? And.....MEMORIES!

In case you missed it. Check out what I saw on the scale on Tuesday.

FINALLY! 50 pounds gone and under 200!

I woke this morning early. Kids went to school 2hr late. I spent my early hours exercising and getting things ready for the day. Packed my snack and kids lunches and back packs.  Got kids up and myself ready for work. Nanny arrived and I took my little one to school, just the two of us.

My little one is....well....a pistol. She is always speaking her mind. She is always telling you how it is. So last night we're sitting on the sofa. She crawls up in my lap. She says, "Mommy. You're belly is too big. You need to not eat so much."  "Yep." I say, "I'm trying."  Then..."Yeah. I know. You eat really good food and your belly is lots smaller now. Plus you do Tae Kwon Do and that helps your body. It helps mine. BUT, I'M a higher belt than you anyway."  Don't you just love the things kids say.  See even my 5year old knows that eating good food and exercise is good for your body.

 Can I just say my ASS hurts?  All those weighted squats and lunges and such the other day made them sore. And today at TKD we learned a new kick!  A turning hook kick. It's kinda fun and kinda hard and it hurts your ass.  This morning I did the challenge exercises despite my sore ass and they didn't help the soreness any, but they'll help the scale. I did do a lot of stretching today, but alas, my ass is....well...grass?

All the ass pain makes it hard to get around and do what I need to do. Taking the girls up stairs to bed was an experience. on the bright side, sore ass means smaller ass and THAT I'll take. Today I wore my size 12 black pants and they are getting baggy in the ass.

I ate well today. I enjoyed the food today. Especially that blast from the past.........RICE CAKES. OH how long has it been since I tasted one of these!?!?!?  Years and years. Since high school. When my BFF and I were trying to lose weight and not eating we would eat only rice cakes all day. I got to the point that I never wanted to see another one again. In fact when I saw them on the menu as snack today I pretty much turned up my nose and wasn't going to eat them. But, I got them at the store and thought I'd give it a try.

I could just hear Allan's voice in my brain, "Use the plan. Don't try to tinker. People way smarter than you designed this and it works. It has to. Do the math. Do the math, blah blah blah." You know what I mean. Ha ha ha. Soooo. Today I got out the rice cakes and the peanut butter and made my snack.  On the way to TKD I always drink a large glass of water and have a snack. I don't get to eat on class days until about 1:30pm and I'm starved, esp after all the work we do in class. I usually don't have time to eat the snack, except in the car. That's why I always try to pack it ahead of time.

So today. I whipped out one of the rice cakes w/ peanut butter and MAN! That was tasty. I was instantly transported to 1987.  Sitting in my car at lunch w/ BFF talking about boys and eating rice cakes. Holy crap I HATED those things after a while. But today. I tasted it and it was kinda good. Crunchy and with the peanut butter it was yummo. Plus it brought a smile to my face remembering the good ole days. Ha ha. Isn't it funny how food can do that. Transport you right back to where you were the first time you had it. Or what you were doing.

See, those emotional connections to food are a double edged sword. It's amazing how the brain works. It's memories are released by things like taste, smell, sight, sound, touch.  It's like those things are the passwords to your memory data base. Believe me there are smells that can send me right back to memories. Especially of medical school, ewww!  We sure know how music is a memory trigger.  Just think of the song that played at your first junior high dance. See! It's true.  To this day I can see a picture of a newborn and I smell that baby smell.  To this day I see a rack of ribs and I'm transported to anatomy class. I know sick, right? But it's a fact. They look the same. And the memory is tied to whatever emotion you had at the time.

The problem is that our brain is tricky. Sometimes the food or smell of food triggers the emotion and skips the memory step. So when I smell french toast  I feel happy. I want it. I don't always realize that it is because I think of my uncle on summer mornings fixing us kids a special breakfast. 

The trick is to resist the urge to eat when the emotion is triggered. For a long time I didn't want to see French toast and god forbid smell it. It triggered my memory and emotion and I wanted to eat. Now I can think of French toast, even make it for the kids and not lose control and eat it. Why? Because I've made the connection. I've slowed the process down. I can enjoy the memory without the urge to eat.

One theory on how our hunger drive works and why some people are always wanting to eat is that their brain is wired so that they need that input from their senses like taste, smell to open those memories. Over time the emotion imprints with the taste and smell and that leads to over response in the hunger center of the brain causing them to eat even when they should be full. It's like the emotion over rides the input from the stomach trying to tell their brain they are full already.  There are hormones released in the brain that regulate this. Maybe someday this will be a lead on how to help fight obesity.

In the mean time, I'm stuck doing the work the hard way. Craving hits...analyze. Why? Am I really hungry? No....then...why? What am I feeling? Why do I want to eat? It'd be so much easier to take a pill. But, no such luck. Until then I'm stuck thinking of...... well....my ass. If I want it to get smaller, no eating French toast.

What foods do you struggle with avoiding? Have you thought about WHY and the emotions and memories that might be triggered by that food? How do you handle emotional cravings?

F&*^% .....Friday...Hot 100.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

It's a long one. Sorry.
First let's talk about yesterday. Woke up, felt good. On time, kids ready, and out the door. Smiling even. I was a little sore, not too bad. I ate egg beaters, a piece of toast and a plum for breakfast, 288cal. At lunch, I was ready to workout. No gym bag. No prob, home I went. Did a program on the bike, 7miles and hills. Sweaty and felt good. But, 24 hours after the push ups I was pretty sore.

Lunch was a turkey pastrami wrap with mustard and lettuce and some grapes and a plum 36o cal.  And then it hit-PAIN. BAD.  I was hurting all afternoon and by the end of the day even sitting up hurt. Great.

So I finally made it through work.  On the way home from work, I got a migraine. Luckily Nanny had cooked, bless her soul. Roast and veggies and a salad. I had to lay down for a while and took a pain pill.  Ate a little and then back in bed. Trouble sleeping due to pain and HA. Took meds which led to...

Apparently I turned my alarm off in my sleep this morning 'cause I woke up late. BAD news since I felt bad last night, no lunch packed for kids, no books ready for "mystery reader" time in the morning, no check written for band shit, no clothes picked out for the girls. Got Son to football practice 5 min late, but made it. Back home, mad Dash, everybody ready. Out to car and.....dead battery. Apparently I didn't get my door shut in my rush and so lights were on for the last hour. AHH!

Called Mom. She came, jumped battery. Daughter tardy. First Grade, so fuck it.  Took car to Wal Mart. Battery fine. Sigh. Things looking better. Had 4 yr old with me and she was hungry. Went to McDs and got coffee and her a cinnamon roll (yeah, I know, I know.  Healthy right? But at this point...On the bright side kid didn't even know there was a McDs in there and we go to that WalMart all the time, so that made me smile)  NO CASH so $4.32 on the Amex later.....

Dropped little one at pre-K, off to work. LATE.  Saw patients in mad dash because had to be at Middle girl's school for Mystery reader by 11:30am. Mad dash to said school. Read books, cute kids blah blah. Restrained myself from yelling at the little shit in the front row who kept saying, "I can't see the picture" and then proceeding to pick his nose. (HOW do teachers deal with that shit without killing a kid at least twice a day). GOOD Mommy vibes and I brought the middle kiddo a little Debbie cake for snack. YEAH, but she already KNEW the little one had the cinnamon roll PLUS I had thought that her lunch was AFTER reading time and I told her I'd bring her lunch and THEN her lunch was BEFORE and I couldn't get there in time due to work so YES! I bought the damned Little Debbie Strawberry shortcake roll. I didn't buy the oatmeal things I love or the Swiss rolls that I love or the zebra cakes that I love but I did buy the trash food that I shouldn't give my kids let alone ply them with food to love me, BUT I DID this one time. Damn!

Wait...I'm not done.

So then I leave the school finally feeling like things will calm down. I take the van to get the oil changed because YES we're driving to Oklahoma tomorrow for the OU game and NO I haven't had time to do it or felt good enough to notice. AHhhh! (And no I haven't packed yet!) So I get there and the nice man who always does it asks, "Um...would you like me to do your inspection also while you are here?"  What? Why? Huh? OH...because APPARENTLY it was expired in JULY and I have been driving around like one of those AIRHEAD idiots I loathe for THREE MONTHS. And then I hear, "And mam, Your registration expired then also. Did you know that?" FUCK! 

So the very nice man did the work and I headed home thinking where the HELL did I put the damn registration sticker and I'm F-ING HUNGRY! I walk in the door and pull out the salad that I planned for lunch, take a step toward getting a fork and MY DAMN SHOE BREAKS.  The little cute black ballet shoes I LOVE. Do you see where this might be headed?

I growled and then giggled and then ate my salad. Then I ate the small piece of roast beef and carrots left from dinner and then I ate some watermelon. Meanwhile...I'm looking for the sticker and I can't find it and NOW I can't remember where I put it and did I get it paid?  I know I had it somewhere and then.... I snapped. I don't know why but at that moment I was hungry and I wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich BAD.

I marched into the pantry, took the peanut butter. Got my 45 cal wheat bread, measured the grape jelly and peanut butter and ate myself a 350 calorie fucking wonderful PBJ.  Here's the deal.  My husband went to Sam's on Monday and bought stuff. We needed jelly. He got WELCH's grape. People. This is my fav jelly for the PBJ. We haven't had this shit in the house for MONTHs. I make PBJ 3 times a week for lunches and NEVER do I need one. I don't even lick the SPOON!  NEVER! And when I saw that jelly come in the house, my mouth watered and I wanted it. I pushed it aside until today. Now I have to go home and explain to Husband why we have to throw away brand new jelly. THE GIANT GD SAM'S SQUEEZY ONE!

I am angry at being so sore, not from the exercise but the surgery. I KNOW maybe it's unrealistic to be back so fast. But I WANT to be. I am so tired of not being able to do what I WANT. You think someone might be trying to teach me about not NEGLECTING the ability to workout when I can? Well, I GET IT already! I'm sorry I didn't work out all those many stupid stupid years and I will NEVER take for granted my body again. I didn't work out today. I had planned my long awaited return to the gym. Not for weights, but my beloved elliptical. Alas, we will have to let our love affair wait a little longer. 

Hot 100 Update:
1) Get to size 12 jeans: Well, I'm in the 14s, but today I'm wearing the 16 because the 14 rubs my incision just the wrong way, so I didn't get to wear them in public yet. And with not working out....
2) Get to 199 pounds: At least this one is headed back in the right direction with the losses this week. I saw 210 on the scale today. One more pound and back to where I was, pre-surgery.
3) Do the 100 push ups and 200 sit ups 3 times a week: I tried, but still too sore. Not yet
4) Run a 5K: Well, this is the only one I'm getting closer to. This weekend I'll register for the 5K for my high school's PTA on November 14th. I SERIOUSLY doubt, in fact, I know I won't be running it. But I'm doing it even if I have to walk the whole damn thing. I haven't ran in a month. How depressing. I may have to start the C25K over and that makes me feel like a major fail. Sigh.
5) Get my yellow belt in TKD: Not even close. No classes for 3 weeks and I may not be able to go back next week if I'm not doing better as I had planned yesterday.

Now I feel like a giant loser after how happy I was and the post from yesterday and I was all ready to go.  I feel like I'm not going to accomplish those challenge goals in time and that makes me feel like a loser. I ate the damn PBJ in a fit of emotional hunger pangs. The only bright side is that I stopped to measure the damn PBJ. So if I had the sense to do that, why OH why did I go ahead and eat that shit? Sigh. I fed my kids shit and bribed them with food. Sigh.  After the 580 calorie lunch I had, I have like 400 cal left to eat today and we were supposed to order pizza. NO WAY I'm letting that crap in the house now when I feel like this. Sigh.

On the bright side, OU homecoming weekend and Iowa State is toast. Nebraska will kick TX ASS which always make me smile.  My Cowboys and my Vikings are matching up this Sunday and they are both in the toilet, we'll see which one gets flushed. Money's on the Boys going down in a blaze of poo, but Hey, sometimes they surprise me. Either way, they both are SUCKING. BUT, the Rangers meet the Yanks tonight and for ONCE I am interested in a baseball game. Go RANGERS!

That's it. Good lord that's enough. Haven't had time to read a single blog yet. Maybe later while the game is on. TTFN....

A new one on me.

I've had a great week and a hard week. I had great results on my weight this week. I've been so inspired by the support and comments on the posts I've made. I got all kinds of new followers, thanks! I have been fortunate enough to find some more amazing people to follow on their blogs and try to emulate. Like mid_life swimmer over at Swimming it Off. She did a freakin' triathalon baby! And she's not at her goal weight, not yet. She's my size. AND my AGE. All I can say is WOW. I have a new goal.

I'm tired this week. Not sleeping very well or much for a variety of reasons. It is weighing on me and my attitude. I've had a migraine all week and it got really bad yesterday. I was nauseated and half sick all day with it. Trying to work and having trouble focusing and staying on track. Not too good in my business. I was taking all my meds, it wasn't helping. I gave in and had 8 oz of Coke (Coca Cola, that is). Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. When I have these bad ones, I just get queasy. The meds make it worse. I used to try to eat my way through them. I'd feed them with chocolate and sugar and whatever. Doesn't help. Makes em worse. I know that, but did it anyway.

This is really the first bad episode I've had in a while. I think it was set off by the multiple storm fronts we've had move through this week. Not complaining. We need the rain and the cool down. But, weather change is a trigger and now I'm struggling. You know what's weird? I haven't felt good the last 2 days, but I've kept up my exercise and I have no appetite. Do you understand what I just said?

I hope so, cause I don't. Before March 22, the day I began in earnest on this road to wellness, I always responded to not feeling well by eating. Always. Whether for physical or emotional comfort, I had certain foods I ate when I felt certain ways. Cold or fever=chicken noodle soup and crackers. PMS=Coke and Chocolate. Upset stomach=toast. Tired=caffeine and sugar. Happy=everything and anything. Bored=chips straight out of the bag. Sad=ice cream sundaes or fresh cookies out of the oven w/ cold milk.

I've never understood when a patient tells me "I just don't feel like eating. I have no appetite". What? I could always eat. Always. I was never not hungry. Now, that has completely changed. Guess that shows me how much eating I was doing because of how I felt EMOTIONALLY about being sick not how I felt PHYSICALLY.

When I have these headaches, water tastes putrid. Really yucky. Not good since I've already figured out dehydration makes them worse. I tried lemon in the water, crystal lite mix. Not working. Last night I was at the end of my rope. My daughter tested for her big kid orange belt in TKD. She did very well. So now she'll graduate from Little Tiger to "real" TKD. Insert Mommy pride here.

After, the kids are starving and hyper and loud. It's hot out, the sun is glaring, my head is pounding, husband's out of town and I got a telecon meeting in 30 minutes. The only thing to do was drive thru. I took them to Chick-Fil-A, at least they have some decent choices there. I got a sandwich. It's really the only thing I felt I could stomach. And an ice cream. Again, it just sounded like something I could eat. All I'd had at lunch was part of a yogurt cup and an 1/8th of a sandwich. No snacks. Nothing. I also got a small coke, drank 1/2. Felt a little guilty, but not much. Even with all that I only ate 1300 calories and I burned nearly 600 with my exercise. After I ate the ice cream and the sandwich, I did finally feel a little better.

Today, I'm better, but it's still there and I wasn't hungry. Didn't work out today. No sleep + migraine +sore from long run yesterday + sore from heavy duty upper body and ab workout on Tuesday= day of rest, apparently. I had planned to swim tonight, but again with the storms.

I just felt weird about the choices I made yesterday, but it's not like I had a binge and I honestly didn't feel good. The Coke drinking is a big one. I've had MAYBE 3 since March 22. There's a reason. I can't drink just one. Can't. I'm an addict. If I have one, I want more. Every. Single. Time. Today, even with the headache better I wanted one. My inner weak side tried to convince my inner strong side that I should have one since I didn't feel good and all. But, water didn't taste bad today. I just kept drinking and drinking and after about 5 32 oz cups today, I do finally feel better. The craving is over.

Sometimes my desire has been so strong for a soda that just driving by a billboard will trigger the craving. Thank god I never tried heroin. Can you imagine?

But, overall this week I had a new experience. I don't know if it's a NSV or not. Not having an appetite. Having to make myself eat. Never happened before. It's a new one on me. In a weird way I like it. I think that this is another sign that my feelings about food are really forever changed. I used to go through the whole day just thinking about food. I'd wake up and think, "What sounds good for breakfast?" An hour later, I'd be thinking about lunch. Sometimes as I was eating lunch, I would think about what food sounded good to eat at dinner. Did I even taste what I had in my mouth? I'd say things like, "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want." BOY is that ever true and symbolic.

Now I realize how profound that statement was. Always looking for something to make me feel....something. It's nice that I'm finally figuring out that what I was hungry for wasn't food AT ALL. No wonder I was never full. I was hungry for feeling good about myself. Hungry for the acceptance of a father that I won't ever get. Hungry for self love and respect. Hungry for exercise and fitness goals. Hungry for the ME that I wished I could be. And now I'm finally on the way to satisfying that hunger once and for all.

Anybody else have this strange experience? Are you satisfying your REAL hungers?