A new one on me.

I've had a great week and a hard week. I had great results on my weight this week. I've been so inspired by the support and comments on the posts I've made. I got all kinds of new followers, thanks! I have been fortunate enough to find some more amazing people to follow on their blogs and try to emulate. Like mid_life swimmer over at Swimming it Off. She did a freakin' triathalon baby! And she's not at her goal weight, not yet. She's my size. AND my AGE. All I can say is WOW. I have a new goal.

I'm tired this week. Not sleeping very well or much for a variety of reasons. It is weighing on me and my attitude. I've had a migraine all week and it got really bad yesterday. I was nauseated and half sick all day with it. Trying to work and having trouble focusing and staying on track. Not too good in my business. I was taking all my meds, it wasn't helping. I gave in and had 8 oz of Coke (Coca Cola, that is). Sometimes it's the only thing that helps. When I have these bad ones, I just get queasy. The meds make it worse. I used to try to eat my way through them. I'd feed them with chocolate and sugar and whatever. Doesn't help. Makes em worse. I know that, but did it anyway.

This is really the first bad episode I've had in a while. I think it was set off by the multiple storm fronts we've had move through this week. Not complaining. We need the rain and the cool down. But, weather change is a trigger and now I'm struggling. You know what's weird? I haven't felt good the last 2 days, but I've kept up my exercise and I have no appetite. Do you understand what I just said?

I hope so, cause I don't. Before March 22, the day I began in earnest on this road to wellness, I always responded to not feeling well by eating. Always. Whether for physical or emotional comfort, I had certain foods I ate when I felt certain ways. Cold or fever=chicken noodle soup and crackers. PMS=Coke and Chocolate. Upset stomach=toast. Tired=caffeine and sugar. Happy=everything and anything. Bored=chips straight out of the bag. Sad=ice cream sundaes or fresh cookies out of the oven w/ cold milk.

I've never understood when a patient tells me "I just don't feel like eating. I have no appetite". What? I could always eat. Always. I was never not hungry. Now, that has completely changed. Guess that shows me how much eating I was doing because of how I felt EMOTIONALLY about being sick not how I felt PHYSICALLY.

When I have these headaches, water tastes putrid. Really yucky. Not good since I've already figured out dehydration makes them worse. I tried lemon in the water, crystal lite mix. Not working. Last night I was at the end of my rope. My daughter tested for her big kid orange belt in TKD. She did very well. So now she'll graduate from Little Tiger to "real" TKD. Insert Mommy pride here.

After, the kids are starving and hyper and loud. It's hot out, the sun is glaring, my head is pounding, husband's out of town and I got a telecon meeting in 30 minutes. The only thing to do was drive thru. I took them to Chick-Fil-A, at least they have some decent choices there. I got a sandwich. It's really the only thing I felt I could stomach. And an ice cream. Again, it just sounded like something I could eat. All I'd had at lunch was part of a yogurt cup and an 1/8th of a sandwich. No snacks. Nothing. I also got a small coke, drank 1/2. Felt a little guilty, but not much. Even with all that I only ate 1300 calories and I burned nearly 600 with my exercise. After I ate the ice cream and the sandwich, I did finally feel a little better.

Today, I'm better, but it's still there and I wasn't hungry. Didn't work out today. No sleep + migraine +sore from long run yesterday + sore from heavy duty upper body and ab workout on Tuesday= day of rest, apparently. I had planned to swim tonight, but again with the storms.

I just felt weird about the choices I made yesterday, but it's not like I had a binge and I honestly didn't feel good. The Coke drinking is a big one. I've had MAYBE 3 since March 22. There's a reason. I can't drink just one. Can't. I'm an addict. If I have one, I want more. Every. Single. Time. Today, even with the headache better I wanted one. My inner weak side tried to convince my inner strong side that I should have one since I didn't feel good and all. But, water didn't taste bad today. I just kept drinking and drinking and after about 5 32 oz cups today, I do finally feel better. The craving is over.

Sometimes my desire has been so strong for a soda that just driving by a billboard will trigger the craving. Thank god I never tried heroin. Can you imagine?

But, overall this week I had a new experience. I don't know if it's a NSV or not. Not having an appetite. Having to make myself eat. Never happened before. It's a new one on me. In a weird way I like it. I think that this is another sign that my feelings about food are really forever changed. I used to go through the whole day just thinking about food. I'd wake up and think, "What sounds good for breakfast?" An hour later, I'd be thinking about lunch. Sometimes as I was eating lunch, I would think about what food sounded good to eat at dinner. Did I even taste what I had in my mouth? I'd say things like, "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want." BOY is that ever true and symbolic.

Now I realize how profound that statement was. Always looking for something to make me feel....something. It's nice that I'm finally figuring out that what I was hungry for wasn't food AT ALL. No wonder I was never full. I was hungry for feeling good about myself. Hungry for the acceptance of a father that I won't ever get. Hungry for self love and respect. Hungry for exercise and fitness goals. Hungry for the ME that I wished I could be. And now I'm finally on the way to satisfying that hunger once and for all.

Anybody else have this strange experience? Are you satisfying your REAL hungers?