Enough

I've had enough.

I say again. I've had enough.

I woke up this morning and I had actually slept last night. I slept the night before, but that was with the aid of medication and the sleep isn't the same. I woke up this morning and I said, "Enough."

Enough sadness. Enough grief. Enough emotional turmoil. I'm not fooling myself into believing that I can just stop. But, I am saying that it is time to wake up and do something. Since last Saturday morning, I haven't logged my food. I haven't worked out.  I haven't drank my water. And it's time to say enough.

I will not make excuses. I will not fool myself into believing that how I've been the last few days has been, "not that bad." No more bull shit. Fact is, Monday I ate like shit. Healthier shit, but still.....Yesterday I ate healthy food, but too much and then I ate cookies. ENOUGH.

All the times before when I've tried to lose weight, I've said, "Oh well." Or "I can't"  or "it's too hard" or "I have fat genetics" or "I'm too stressed" or whatever load of BS I was shoveling at that particular time.  All the times before, I have regained what I'd lost and more. All the times before are not THIS time.

Today, I say ENOUGH.

I can do this. I can and I will. I must. I will get back on track. I may not like it. It's so much easier to bury myself in food. Wrap myself in the comfort of cookies and cakes and ice cream and all the other stuff. It's easier in the short run. As easy as it is for a drug addict to keep shooting up. Easy for a while and then.......really really hard.

Ask an addict which is harder-being an addict where you lose everything and everyone and the only thing important to you is getting your fix. Or getting clean and being clean and having a family, a job, a future. I look at my food addiction the same way. It will kill me. It will take from me the things I want most. It will limit my life to only it. And so I say enough.

And I say, "Screw you Fat Self." Screw you for your feelings of defeat, your weakness, your willingness to give in. Screw you for not fighting harder to get through these difficult times with more resolve. Screw you for not trying harder. Screw you for liking food so much.

I also say, "It's OK Fat self".  You are a part of me. I love you. I cannot blame you for everything wrong in my life. I accept you. You are the part of me that got me through most of my life. I know it's hard for you. All these new attitudes and activities I expect of you  are scary sometimes for you. I know you've tried and I know you are willing to try again. I will give you a chance to change. But, I will not let you hold me back.  I know you aren't in the MOOD to get back on track. I know you don't really WANT to get back to logging your food and exercising. I know it. BUT, we're doing it anyway.

Finally I say, ENOUGH. Enough excuses. Enough avoiding reality. Enough being sad. Enough regret. Enough guilt. Enough negative thoughts. Enough giving food power over me. Enough.

I know I've gained some weight. I know it. But, you know what I did today? I got up and said, "Enough".  I put on makeup I fixed my hair. I have a meeting tonight and last week I'd planned on wearing my new dress which is spring colors and fits AND is an XL I bought at Kohl's in the "normal" size section. I was excited about it last week. Today, I woke up and as I got out of bed I didn't want to wear that dress. I wanted to just wear scrubs or my too-baggy black pants. I got in the shower and I said, "Enough".

I'm wearing the dress despite the several pounds I've gained. It fits and still looks good. And I feel better. Just doing SOMETHING feels better. Just getting my mind back in order feels better. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know I still have pounds to lose AGAIN to get back to where I was. So What? I know I can do it. I've done it before. I know how and I know I CAN and I know I WILL.

All I have to do is wake up everyday, like today, and say, "Enough".

Have you said it yet? Have you had set backs in your journey to healthy living? If so, how did you over come them?  If you haven't, what's stopping you? No one can do it for you.

Wednesday Weigh In. And Coming out of the Closet

Woke up this morning and MAN do my arms hurt. Ouch. See yesterday's post for why if you haven't read it. But, in short: I DID CHIN UPS! I had planned to get up and do C25K Week 7 day 1 today. I didn't want to at first, then I realized that making a commitment to myself is just as important, no MORE important, than any of the other tons of things I needed to get done. So upstairs I went to the treadmill.

Thanks to my friend Shelley and her helpful review of sports bras, I donned my new Moving Comfort Maia. I know you guys don't get this, but it's really hard to find something comfortable and functional. She didn't miss the mark on that review because it is by far the best one I've ever had. I'll be ordering a few more and tossing the others. Thanks, Shelley!

I completed my workout, which was basically 5 min walk, 25 min run, 5 min walk and then kept on walking. I did a total of 1 hour, 2.6 miles, then stretches. Then came the moment of truth. I got tickled at Christine's post today talking about people who only weigh once a week and have that kind of restraint. I'm not one of those. I weigh too often, but I only count my official once a week weight on Wednesdays.

So without further adieu, the results: 214.6

That's a loss of 3 pounds and brings my total loss to 35.4 pounds. I honestly couldn't believe it. I got off and back on the scale multiple times,but it was the same every time. Then I took my measurements. I've lost a total of 24.25 inches overall since June 10th. Perhaps this is why I nearly lost my workout shorts in the gym yesterday when I stood up from my sit ups?

I am ecstatic. I am proud. I am in shock. I am tentative. I am in awe of myself. I am worried it's a dream and I'll wake up to find it's not true. I am determined to keep going. I've never lost this much weight before at one time. Not ever. I am 3.6 pounds from my first goal of 212 pounds. My lowest weight in the last 11 years. My LoseIt program says I'll reach that goal by August 28th. That's like 10 days. UN. Real.

It also says I can reach my next goal of 199 pounds by October 12th. Holy shit. I'm really doing this thing. I haven't been under 200 pounds since my freshman year of college and that was only for a few months. I was a size 14. I thought I was fat.

I hope you understand when I say I'm in shock. I hope you understand when I say I'm afraid. I've tried so many times. So. Many. Times. I've lost the same 20 pounds probably 50 times in my 40 years. No joke. And while I feel in my soul this time is different, I still battle the self doubt. Don't get me wrong, I'm winning. I'm kicking it's ass! But, it's there. Thus the constant weighing and weighing 10 times in a row.

I share this so you know. If you're new to this very real and permanent change, and if you feel like this, you can beat it just like me. Don't be me my last 20 diets. Don't get 3 weeks in and quit because of 1 candy bar or 1 cookie or 20 cookies for that matter. Keep going. It's worth it. Wow. What my weight loss rock star idols must feel like losing 100, 150, 200, 272 pounds. You know who you are. I just have a teensy winsy glimpse of it. I like it. Smile.

So I came out of the closet last night to my hubbie. NOT THAT CLOSET! The one where I was keeping my blog. I just felt funny blogging and reading all these blogs without him knowing. He'd ask what I was doing and I'd say, "Oh just reading those weight loss blogs I told you about." Now he knows I have one also. I showed it to him. I showed him I had 47 (now 50! Thank you!!) Followers. I told him about my favorite commenters and why I liked each one. He said my blog was cool and that he thought I'd done a good job setting it up. I told him he didn't have to read it, but could if he wanted to. I told him I hadn't told anyone else but him. He made me feel proud about it and a little silly for not telling him sooner. What was I worried about?

And now....I'll wrap up with a sports rant. My non-sports geek fanatic readers might want to stop here. I warned you a few posts ago that football would sneak it's way in here. FOOTBALL IS HERE!!! OMG I love that game. I soooo wish I'd been a boy and could've played. One of my dreams is to be fit enough to join an adult flag league some day. I am so so so so happy to have my football back. Can't wait for my team's first game, Labor day Weekend. THE SOONERS! Boomer! I love the excitement in the stadium. I love being with other fans. I love kicking the other team's butt. I love losing and look forward to trying again next game. Well.....ok I HATE losing. BUT I LOVE THAT GAME!

These guys, these athletes are amazing. I can only dream of doing a 1/3 of what they can do. Hainesworth's fitness test he kept failing...I wish I could fail like he did. I watch ESPN when I workout all the time. It motivates me. These guys are naturally talented, but if you think for 1 minute that they don't WORK hard you haven't payed attention. I use this as motivation in my own workouts.

Favre is 40 and gonna do his 20th season. Rock on brother! Whether you love him or hate him, gotta respect that ability. At 40 I'd give anything to experience that for just one day. Get off his back, you're just jealous. If he doesn't want to go to camp, I get it. Twenty years of abusing his body and he earns skipping camp. He wants to save what he has left for the game he loves, REALLY loves. You cannot blame him for that.

OK, done now. Are there people in your life you use as motivation to push yourself harder? How has the scale been treating you lately? Are you getting where you want to be or falling short? Are you kicking self doubt's ass today?