Weekend Wrap Up and Monday Weigh In

Hello all. I've been trying all day to get a few minutes to post, but to no avail. Busy Monday as usual and I'm still not done with my work, but I put it on hold to get this done.

Saturday was a very long day. I went with my son's band to Six Flags. It was a LOT of walking (over 16,000 steps) and some fun. It was a huge challenge to find a way to eat there. Did you know there is no where you can buy milk there? And did you know that they check your bag and make you throw out any food? So my plan for eating didn't work out as planned. I did work around it and I ended the day basically on plan.

Can I say how good it felt not to even worry I might not fit? I'm under 200 now. There are LOTS of people that weigh more than me and are able to ride these rides. I didn't have to even THINK about not fitting in the seat. Did you also know that now along with the warning about heart disease and pregnant women they've added a disclaimer that if you DON'T fit securely in the restraint that you'll be asked to leave the ride? Like they have to tell you that if the seat belt won't fit, you can't ride. Who wants to?  I found that somewhat sad. And it reminded me of a time when I might have had to push to get that little bar down securely over my belly.  The ride home on the bus with an entire busload of kids hopped up on sugar and a long day of fun was miserable and I had a massive migraine by the time I got home. I ate and went to bed.

Sunday I was tired and I ate breakfast and ended up napping most of the morning on the sofa. In the afternoon I got busy with some housework beginning with helping my husband remove 2 birds which had gotten stuck in the exhaust fan in our kitchen. Apparently they had built a nest in the vent and managed to crawl back in the duct and slide down the vertical tube and get stuck. We got them out, but they were dead by that time and we felt terrible. They were infant birds, I guess abandoned by their parents. One of them made it and flew away. I hope he's OK.

After that trauma for everyone, we spent the rest of the day planting some flowers and mulching (about 12 bags) the flower beds. That's a nice workout! I ate on plan yesterday and I was pleased with my weekend eating for the most part. I stayed on plan and that is a victory for me. Weekends are really, really hard usually.

I woke this morning excited about weighing in. I weighed 194 today, yesterday it was 193, but I'll take 194. That's a five pound loss for the week! I feel so committed and renewed.  I feel like the last week as hard as it has re-dedicated me to my mission.  Also this puts me at 80 pounds lost from my highest weight. VERY HAPPY!  I was excited to see how well all the other challengers did as well.

I was tired today and in no mood to exercise, but I kept my appointment with my trainer as I had planned. For one thing I couldn't think of an excuse that wouldn't sound like an excuse. For another, I'd postponed already due to other schedule problems. I forced myself to the gym as planned.  I did 25 minutes on the elliptical. Man! You really forget how hard that is when you've been off it a while. 

After that I got started with my trainer. We did back and legs today and core work as well. That included 40 push ups on the bosu. 30 sit ups and numerous other things including weights and squats and bands that I can't recount now. There are days when you feel like you've KILLED a workout. And others when you feel like the workout KILLED you. And finally there are days where you did it even when you didn't want to, and when it's over you're just relieved to put it behind you. That was my workout today. It didn't kill me, but it wasn't a breeze and I didn't feel victorious afterward. The victory I'll take is that I went despite my desire to avoid it.

And dinner was..........wonderful! Actual food. Sooooo good. I had the grilled shrimp and veggies and I was so full! I was thrilled to have food and I enjoyed every single bite. I just had my evening snack/dessert of jello and frozen treat, both sugar free of course.

I'm finding myself looking ahead again to where I'll be 10 pounds, 20, 50 pounds from now. That's not something I've done in a while. I think I've been in a slump. My weight loss showed it. And now I see myself moving forward again and that's motivating. I love that I've been able to stick to this very restrictive plan, but I love that I see the end to that someday.

This has gotten me thinking about goals and "goal weight" and what that means. I'm still not sure. I know where I need to be to be "NORMAL" as far as the charts go. I have no concept of a weight that low, BUT it's not outside the range of possibility now. I need to lose about 60 more pounds to have a normal BMI. Sixty sounds like a LOT,but it means that I have less weight to lose now than I have already lost. I'm more than 1/2 way there. That's really exciting. Scary, but exciting. 

For now, my goals are simple. Stay on plan and move. I've found that if I do those 2 things, I lose weight and I feel good. Of course not all my goals have to do with the scale. I'd like to be able to run more. I'd like to be able to continue up in rank in TKD.  I'd like to look in the mirror and see ME as I imagine myself. I like to look in the mirror and see "normal". I don't yet know what that means, but I'm starting to believe that I can and will someday.

And now, I can no longer avoid my work. So, I'll sign off for now.  Have you set goals? Do you have a goal weight?  How is your progress toward your goals? Is it where you want it to be? If not what changes are you planning to get it back on track?

Things I Can't WAIT to Miss About Being Fat

There are things I'm noticing now about my being fat that I'd never put much thought into before now. Things that I guess either I didn't want to think about or hadn't noticed. But, now that I feel like I'm on the right path to conquering this weight business for good, I've started to compile a list of things I can't wait to miss.

1) Higher insurance premiums: I have life insurance, disability insurance and business overhead insurance all of which cost me a FORTUNE in premiums mostly due to my size. Apparently being fat is a risk of dying or getting sick. Who knew? Can't wait to call the agent and take a new physical and use the money I'll save for a trip to a beach where I can wear my new hot pink bikini.

2)Sweating: Now I'm not talking about the working out feel good kind of sweat or even the man it's hot out here sweat. I'm talking about the I get overheated very easily and sweat profusely even without much activity sweat that comes from being fat. So embarrassing. Especially at events where pictures might be taken.

3)Speaking of pictures: I can't wait to miss avoiding pictures. Hiding behind my children or other person or tree or table or anything that will hide my body.

4)Loud thigh rubbing noises: You know the one where when you walk down the hall in jeans or on the rare occasion, pantyhose and hear the swish, swish, swish of my thighs rubbing together. Not to mention the discomfort that can result from said rubbing.

5)People trying to squeeze by me in crowded restaurants: I hate it when I'm in a restaurant that is busy and crowded and jammed packed with tables. I know I'm going to be stuck in the outside chair where the skinny mini waitress has to grimace and squeeze past my chair every time she walks by while I try to shove more of myself into and under the table to get out of the way.

6)Speaking of restaurants: I can't wait to go to eat out with business associates and not feel like they are judging me for whatever I choose and then worrying they'll think I'm a pig even if I pick something healthy and I don't eat it all. I really almost hate eating in these situations.


7)Back fat: That's right. The roll that shows up on top of your bra strap and you can see through thin material and GOD FORBID a low backed dress or outfit. Ugh.

8)The way my heart skips if someone asks me how much I weigh: I hate this. It doesn't happen often as people can tell by looking at me it's too much, but occasionally for medical reasons someone asks. There's always that dead pause as I try to say something that sounds reasonable to the person asking, yet is less than the horrible truth.

9) Butt rolls: You know, that extra hanging off butt fat that hangs off when I sit on a small, usually hard and uncomfortable chair. Usually this is the worst at meetings where I have to sit in said chair for hours on end. Especially chairs that are attached to the chair next to it so the butt roll hangs over onto the chair next to me. Lord forbid it's a standing room only meeting.

10)Being the fattest mom on the field trip: There are many times when I'm the fattest in the room, or at least have been for a long time. None is worse than the field trip which is usually populated with cute little stay at home moms in tight yoga outfits or cute little capri pants talking about how busy they are and how they only had time to spend an hour at the gym today. (Sorry to generalize, but I am so tired and I guess jealous of these people)

11) My old friend the double chin: I know. We've had a long relationship, but it's time to cut the cord. Can't wait not to worry about what exact angle I can hold my head to minimize Mr. Extra Chin in social situations and pictures. Again with the pictures.

12) Standing in my closet trying to decide what outfit will make me look the least fat: I swear it takes me twice as long to get dressed when I have to stand there thinking "Do these fit or are these the pants that won't stay zipped when I sit down?"

This is still a work in progress. Any additional things you either can't wait to miss OR don't miss about being fat?

Wednesday Weigh In

Well I am really happy with my results this week. I have worked really hard and it did pay off. Drum roll please.......I LOST 4.2 POUNDS!! Even better, I now weigh 219.8 Which means I'm no longer in my 220s AND I'm only 7.8 pounds from achieving my first goal of 212 lbs. (the lowest weight I've been in the last 10 years.)

Speaking of goals. I see a lot of bloggers writing about goals and rewards. A lot of them do these challenges or set goals each week, like "I'm going to exercise 4 times or eat at least 4 veggies each day." This morning as I was trying to ignore the pain in my left hamstring while running my second 8 min interval in C25K W 5 D2, I thought about these goals and rewards. I'd weighed in yesterday and knew I'd hit that 30 pound mark. Maybe I should be rewarding myself? Maybe I should come up with a list of rewards for different milestones and post them on my blog? Then I realized that this is old thinking.... Maybe I should do what all the cool kids are doing?

Let me first say that I'm not criticizing anyone for having a list of goals or doing these challenges. If it works for you and you like it, you should do it. But, today I realized that on every unsuccessful diet I've ever done, I've had some reward in mind for the end. The last one was that when I get to "goal weight" (whatever the hell that is) I would get my eyeballs fixed and finally get up the nerve to have LASIK. A lot of times in the past I've used food as a reward. "Since I ate so well all week, I deserve that cookie or piece of pie or french fries." Or more likely all three. That's obviously not the point of goals and rewards.

Then, the new part of me spoke up and said, "What are you talking about? Every time you complete a day on C25K, that's a reward. You hiked in the mountains and never had an asthma attack. You're reward is how you feel" Wow. That's a big one for me. Basing my rewards as inwardly motivated rather than an external motivation. That's totally new thinking.

I've wanted to lose weight to look like the cool kids, to get a boyfriend, to wear cool jeans, to shop in the "normal" stores, to avoid ridicule, to please my family or friends, to motivate my spouse to lose weight, to be a good example for my kids. This time is different. I'm eating healthy and exercising because I want to. Because it feels good. Because I'm proud of being able to do all those cool things in the gym. I proud of being able to do an hour on the elliptical. But NOT because I'm getting external praise or rewards, because I want to for me. My reward is how I feel.

Will there be external and tangible rewards? Yes. But that comes as a result of what I'm doing. I'm not doing this to get the reward. Do you see the difference? Losing weight will broaden my possibilities. My choices in life. If I want to go to Costa Rico and zip line, I can. If I want to buy a new outfit, I will. I'm not losing weight so I can zip line or get new clothes. In the past this has led to disappointment. You see, I never got to "goal weight" and I never got any of those reward dreams I had. To me, all that just played into my belief that everything would be better if I were thin.

So I feel happy and rewarded today. Because I went to the gym yesterday with my son and we worked out with my trainer. (Of course I went back to work afterward and he slept on my sofa in my office. Hee hee) Because I got on the treadmill this am and got through that C25K, even though my legs were sore from yesterday. Because I am wearing a size 18/20 skirt that I haven't worn in 3 years. But mostly because I set out to change my lifestyle and the way I think and feel about diet and exercise and I'm doing it.