Tuesday and Holiday stress kicking in BIG TIME.

Here we are on the first official day of the SSDDDYC, although I started yesterday.  I think it's great what Allan has taken on and I got the packet. I couldn't believe all the detail and work he's put into this. People pay tons of money to get counseling and help like this. I hope you are appropriately appreciative.

Yesterday was a good day for the most part. Of course I had to cancel with my trainer because I was so super wheezy. I feel a lot better today. So, I'll be at TKD class today.  Yesterday food went well. Here's the breakdown:
breakfast: egg substitute, 1 piece canadian bacon, bagel thin, coffee w/ light powder creamer=226 cal
lunch: Lean cuisine pizza=340 cal
dinner:  spaghetti w/ tomato sauce, salad with low cal vinegrette=497 cal
snacks= 1 cup strawberries (46cal), 1 orange (70)=116 cal
Total=1189 calories.

I drank 4-32oz waters=128oz, coffee 16oz, diet mountain dew 12oz

Well.....I'm officially stressed out. I woke up to realize that there are only 18 days until Christmas and I have almost no shopping done. Sigh. None wrapped. None shipped. No cards done. Yesterday I freaked out because I was trying to figure out when the HELL I was going to get portraits done and the girls to Santa. I was staring at the calendar and realized that the kids get out early from school on Friday, so I took off work and we'll do it then.

The next few weeks will be a complete blur of meetings, activities, parties, concerts and other associated crap. I now plead forgiveness for every single time I gave my Mom shit about being in a bad mood this time of year. And of course the kids are goofy. ABSOLUTELY goofy because there is so much excitement and things outside the norm in our schedule. And the cold weather makes it worse. They can't go out and run when we get home because it's dark and cold. Sigh.

I am in surprisingly good spirits in spite of all that.  We've been listening to Christmas music and the house is decorated inside and out. I'm trying to let the kids enthusiasm seep into my brain.  The best part of this time of year is the, "SANTA IS WATCHING YOU!" threat that I utter absolutely constantly.  I even had a long conversation with Santa on the phone when the girls were jumping on the sofa and tossing cards from the board game they were supposed to be playing while I cooked dinner the other night. Isn't it kind of Santa to take time out of his busy schedule to talk to me? I told him I was REALLY worried that the girls wouldn't make it onto the NICE list and asked if he would please watch them carefully the next few days. 
Worked like a CHARM I tell you. Evil? Maybe. Necessary? Freaking yeah! Guilt? NONE.

And of course ALL of this jolly good cheer crap takes place during the busiest time of the year in the office. I don't know why I am surprised about any of it. It happens every year. Every year I say, "this year I'm shopping early" or "this year I won't wait until the last minute" and it's always the same.  And you know what? I HATE all those perfect family by the fireplace with the perfect tree and the perfect gifts commercials. Screw them. No one's house looks like that. No kids sit quietly while mom opens her perfect diamond gift from dad.  No kids say, "Oh THANK YOU" when they open that sweater from grandma.  No one can have that picture perfect Christmas. WHY? WHY OH WHY? Do we fool ourselves into thinking we can?I don't know. I certainly never had it in my family. 

And WHO wants that Christmas anyway?  I want the Christmas where my kids giggle and are excited. I want the one where their hands are all sticky and glitter is everywhere from the card they colored for Nana. I want the one where we eat when it's ready and sleep when we're tired. We open presents when we feel like it and not when you're "supposed" to.  I want the one where the kitchen is even messier because my kids INSIST upon helping me cook and get flour ALL over the floor and themselves and me. I want the Christmas where the packages are all wrinkled and not tied up with perfect bows because the kids wrapped the presents. 

I've come to realize that what I really want from the holidays is fun and love. That's all. Not the food. Not the gifts. Just making memories for my kids. I want them to talk in reverence and joy to their kids about what Christmas was like when they were little. Because that's what I do for them. No, I never had a perfect Christmas. There were times when I didn't always get everything I wanted. But, what I remember was being with my family. Laughing, playing games, eating, presents, silliness and messes.

So I'm working really hard to just relax. Let go of the expectation of what I think Christmas should be and just let Christmas and the holidays happen. Enjoy the moments. After all, when it's all over, isn't that what we remember anyway?

I still have a lot to do...............gotta go!