Jealousy and Insecurity

Today my post is about something that has been bothering me a while. In my life there are all kinds of people. Fat, thin, fit, unfit. Some are naturally thin and eat everything they want. Some work very hard, freakishly hard, at being and staying thin.

About 2 years ago, my partner decided to go on Slimfast. Everyday she has only slim fast for lunch. She eats a snack of fruit and that's it. I haven't seen her eat anything but fruit and an occasional cheese stick in 2 years. I'm not kidding. My partner is not overweight. She never was. She is much taller than me. She lost, I think, about 25 or 30 pounds. She is now very thin. For a long time she was the one in the office people were talking about looking so good.

I'll admit I've been jealous of her at times. She is one of these people that is naturally beautiful and knows it. She takes care of herself and I have to admit she works very hard at being pretty. She shops only at the best places and dresses just so. People are constantly telling her how good she looks. It left fat little me feeling like the unpopular one all over again, just like in high school.

Why does being around people like that make me feel so insecure? It's not like we aren't equals in almost every other way. We have similar careers, similar family lives. Where does that feeling of, "I'm not worthy" come from?

And, why do some people just need attention to feel better about themselves? I've never had attention before. In fact you know from my post yesterday that the new attention I'm receiving is freaking me out a little. But, it is clear to me that she thrives on it. One day a couple of weeks ago, she wore 4 inch heels to the office with a short skirt. Now, we are a casual office. We don't dress up usually. We wear scrubs most of the time. Usually it is slacks or the occasional skirt. This outfit was WAY WAY more than the usual, even for dressing up.

All day it was all about her legs. Every single person that came in this office that day commented on her legs. How could you not? She's tall w/ great legs in amazing shoes. She looked great. And she was obviously thriving on the attention. I mean soaking it up. And when people would say something about her legs, she just shrugged it off, bat her eyes and say, "Oh I just shaved my legs and now I can wear a skirt." Sure.

I just don't get wearing THAT to work knowing you're going to get THAT response. I don't wear low cut blouses or skirts that are too short even though at my fattest I am curvy and have decent legs. I just don't. For one thing, I don't feel comfortable as a physician exuding sexual vibe. It just seems wrong to me. But, maybe it's my insecurity with myself. I don't know.

Maybe the thinner I get and the more comfortable I get with people looking at me I'll be able to wear something like that to work if I want. Maybe I'll learn to love the attention. But, I just don't know.

I find myself wondering what all the attention I'm getting does to her need for the limelight. Lately every drug rep and all the employees talk about me and my workouts and how good I'm looking and how well I'm doing. And they know I'm eating actual food. They know she never eats.

She told us once what she eats everyday M-F. Here it is: Breakfast-South Beach Bar, Lunch-Slim Fast and Berries(1 cup frozen with skim milk), Dinner-cottage cheese with tomatoes, cucumbers or other veggies. That's it. She has a cheese stick sometimes, but certainly not everyday. I've gotten to where I can tell when she's on her period because she eats actual food, but never more than a few bites. The other day she ate 2 tortilla chips.

She supposedly eats more on the weekend, but I have real trouble believing it. She doesn't like talking about her diet. She always deflects it when people ask. I wonder how patients feel when she tells them how she lost weight? Sometimes I even wonder if she has an eating disorder. But, who am I to judge. She is thin and healthy. She's not feakishly twiggy thin.

And so what this whole post boils down to is...Am I jealous or just insecure? Is she jealous of me and all the attention I'm getting? And if so, how do I feel about that? When will I feel like I look good again? I used to feel good and confident. I didn't think that much about my appearance before. When I did get dressed up, I felt like I looked good.

I still do most of the time, but I guess now I realize that when I walk down the street, people who don't know what I looked like before still see fat lady. Knowing that bothers me. A lot. Sometimes I wish I had a sign on my forehead that said "You should have seen me before. I've worked really hard to be this fat." Shouldn't I be confident and MORE secure, not less? Shouldn't I be LESS jealous of those thin people in my life, not more? Or is it just me knowing thin is in my grasp, but seems to take forever getting there? (I'll post another time on my issues with no patience.)

It all circles back to the mental hurdles and challenges of this weight loss stuff. It's all how you feel inside and it affects everything. From how I feel about my new "skinny" size 16 jeans I'm wearing today, to the cookie I walked by and caught a whiff of and wanted to snatch off the counter, but didn't of course. That mental marathon I'm running is WAY harder than the workout I did this morning at 5:15am or passing up that cookie. WAY harder. The worst part is that there are no "rules" or guidelines for fixing that part. I don't know how to quantify how to change that stuff. There's no calorie count or heart rate monitor equivalent. No Couch to Healthy Self Image program.

I guess the closest thing to that is this blog world where I feel so much more myself now than out there in the real scary world. Here I can say it how it is. Ruminate, bitch, gloat, excel, fail, whine, complain, triumph, brag and anything else my heart desires. For that, I thank you all.

And on that subject...Weigh in today shows no loss. Damned Sodium-a-Thon. But, I'm close to a loss. I can feel it. Isn't it weird how the more you listen to your body, the more it talks to you?

Enough rambling for me today....