Where does the time go? I can't believe it's already Wednesday! Today started with a migraine. As usual the weather in Texas is crazy! Yesterday was sunny and nice but today I woke up to cold rain and sleet!

I was very tired and I wanted to sleep but I'm determined to resume my morning workouts! So I dragged my tired body up took some meds and hopped on the elliptical. I love my new toy. Half hour later and I felt better although the headache persists.

My mornings are chaos especially now with no help at home. After I take the girls to school I head back home for an hour of cleaning. Today I dropped an entire brand new bottle of children's liquid Motrin on the kitchen floor! Noooo. Yucky.

Then I found out 2 employees were sick today and we are already short staffed. At lunch I had to run to the Girl Scout store.

Yep. I finally caved and let the girls join. been asking for a year or so and when their friends down the block joined there was no more resisting. Sigh. Luckily I missed cookie sales though. At least for this year. More juggling for me but they're sooooo happy!

My food is good this week and I've been tracking. I hope to see a loss when I weigh in on Monday. I'm working hard to get my water back where it should be. I've been closer the last few days. At least my sleep has improved and I'm sleeping better.

I feel like this is a boring post but that's all I've got today. One thing I've learned so far is keeping things routine for diet and exercise is WAY more successful. Routine but not boring! I went to TKD on Tuesday and started learning my new staff form. It's pretty badass. Maybe when I get it learned I'll post a video.

Food wise I'm loving the cara cara oranges we got at Cosco. Also bananas and apples. Found some jazz apples on sale. So tasty. Also I've been enjoying the Danon light Greek yogurt.

I'm posting some pics below of the sky here this morning and a few from my belt test. One is me delivering a hook kick and the other doing staff sparring. I CANNOT figure out how to place photos in the text with the blogger mobile app. But I'm sitting here in my daughters troop meeting so I thought I'd multi-task.

Until next time. Take care!

A Nice Valentine's

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you all had a great day. I had a relatively uneventful and routine day. But I'm ok with that.

My husband woke me up with a kiss and a "Happy Valentine's Day" as he was leaving for work. I got the kids up and off to school and myself to work without difficulty. With 3 kids and a full time job that is a great morning.

The day went by quickly and the office was pretty quiet. The sun was shining and I suppose many people are out of town for a long weekend with the holiday on Monday. No complaints for me as I was able to finish my work in full for once before leaving the office.

At lunch I skipped TKD for a teleconference and a trip to the grocery store to pick up a few things and a prescription. I also picked up a pretty little hyacinth for my mom. She's been a great help since Nanny has been gone. I LOVE the smell of hyacinth!

In fact I have a lovely dark purple one from Mother's Day that Nanny got me last year that is blooming again! I'm so glad because I didn't even get it planted. Left it right in the pot!

Today I wore my new awesome sparkly shoes and matching sweater. I should have taken a pic but forgot and was too tired when I got home and after dinner. So instead I just took a pic of the shoes. I love shoes. Especially sparkly pretty colored ones.

I cooked dinner and we ate together as a family. It wad loud and silly and not romantic but definitely filled with love. As a special treat, I made chocolate covered strawberries. I ate 2 light on the chocolate. Other than that I ate well and healthy. I also came home to a lovely card and a new bag of gourmet coffee. Awesome yummy gift.

Tomorrow I'll be off work and have many errands and a hair appointment. We will have the whole house to ourselves tomorrow night since son has a Boy Scout camp out and the girls have a lock-in at the TKD gym. Not sure yet what we will do. We may just stay home and enjoy the quiet.

I hope you all had a great day. You CAN have a great Valentines without eating and drinking a bunch of junk. I did! Did you?

I couldn't do it. Can you?

The sun is shining today and I'm grateful. I could use a little vitamin D after a few days of cold and rain. But then I shouldn't complain too much since cold is relative. Our Texas cold is nothing compared to the hideous snow and cold others have had.

Today has been pretty good so far. I was tired when I woke up this morning. Not sure why but lately I'm just tired. It may be that I discovered I was out of my iron pills. Now that I'm back on them I hope to be better soon.

I woke up with a sore foot, especially my big toe. Last night at my first class as a red belt I attempted a new drill and......let's just say it didn't go exactly as planned. In the drill you're supposed to jump and kick the opponent in the groin as you fall onto the ground. Then you perform a take down from the ground with your legs. You've seen this in movies I'm sure.  The first time I tried I landed a little wonky on my left foot. It's sore and bruised, but no real damage. Thank goodness. I'll be working on that. Good news is I totally got the take down so IF I can just figure out how to jump, round house kick AND fall without killing myself, I'll be golden.

Work was the usual. Busy, stressful. Blah blah blah.

After work I changed and headed to TKD. Wednesdays there is a new weapons class which I have been enjoying. Learning more and more about the staff and knife defenses. So at the class the black belt that leads it is in his early 20s (I think) and the kid is a-maz-ing. He's won all kinds of competitions, etc. Tonight he had us warm up and stretch and then we spent 20 min working on and holding different stances. Think squats and lunges SLOW and DEEP and holding a staff with arms extended. We also did a one leg stance where you stand on one leg holding the staff down to block the ankle, opposite arm up in a fist position. I actually held that one fine for the whole 30 seconds. But the horse stance was HARD! Ugh. It was hard and my legs were shaking by the end of it.

He said we should get good enough that we can squat in a horse stance low and deep enough to rest our staff in our lap and balance it there. Ummm....sure. Some day, maybe. But, not yet. You can try it if you want. Just get a broom handle and squat, legs wide until your knees are at a 90 degree angle with the floor. Place the broom handle in your lap and lift your arms out straight in front of you.  Hold for about 20 seconds. Feel the burn. Ha ha. It takes a lot of balance and core strength. I could get there, but couldn't hold it for any amount of time yet. Some day.  Instead I stood in horse stance with my staff out balancing it on my arms. I was able to do that, but not the "very advanced" move. Ha ha. After those exercises, we had about 15 minutes for material and I worked on learning my new staff form.

After class, it was home and dinner and homework. Kids are in bed and here I am getting ready to hit the sack myself. Did I mention I've been tired? I'm also sore. I love being sore, but it is tiring. Son is up trying to finish a paper for his geography class. Sigh......I'm trying to teach him NOT to procrastinate. He comes by it naturally. I can't tell you how many times his dad waited until the night before to do projects and papers in college.

That's it for today. Good night! And let me know if any of you can do that horse-stance broom handle move.

I'm Seeing RED!

Over the last 2 weeks I've been focused on one goal: Getting my red belt. I've been to tons of TKD classes and working hard on mastering the material. It is amazing to me the amount of material we have to learn!  And I found out that after red belt the material basically doubles between now and black belt. Ack!

In fact there is so much material that we couldn't finish the test on Wednesday night. We had to go back and finish with sparring and board breaking on Saturday. I was SOOOO tired. I figured out that between classes and the test I spent 11 hours doing taekwondo last week alone. By Saturday morning I just wanted to get the test over!

Wednesday I got to the gym just before 5pm. The test was to start at 6:30pm and I wanted some time to warm up, stretch out and review. From 6:45-9:15pm we demonstrated the material:  4 advanced kicking drills, 2 staff forms, 5 staff one-step sparring, 7 regular one-step sparring, 3 breaking holds, 8 knife defenses, 10 forms, and multiple kicks-360 jump round house, 360 jump back kick,  step-360 crescent, change foot round house and jump round house and more. It was a LOT to cover in that amount of time! We were exhausted. We were testing with 13 year olds and up so it was decided to stop the test and finish on Saturday since everyone had work or school the next day. I'm hoping we don't have to do week night tests any more. This was the first time and it was pretty rough.

Saturday, I got the the gym around 12:30pm, warmed up and stretched. I was glad not to have to demonstrate material, but I have to admit I was tired and nervous. It might have been better to finish all at once. I didn't break my boards because I think I was just tired. I was pretty bummed. But, I did my best and that's what counts. I sparred and made it through without too much trouble or injury. One kid got kicked in the head and knocked out for a second so I had to take off the helmet and put on the doctor's hat. Luckily he was fine outside of a bruise and a small laceration on his tongue.

Finally, the scores were totaled and we were awarded our new belts. So super glad. Now I just have red-black belt and finally I'll be a black belt. Takes about 6 mo from now until my next test and then 6-8months between red-black and black. So I'm at least a year to 18months from black belt. Between now and then I've got to focus on cardiovascular fitness and weight loss. The black belt test is no joke.  At that test you have to do the "gauntlet" which is sparring multiple people for about 15minutes. It is pretty daunting. BUT, like I tell my kids-If it were EASY everyone would have a black belt. At the gym they tell us that about 2/3 quit before black belt. That seems about right knowing the number of people that have started and stopped since I've been there.

Anyway, I'm proud and glad I passed and I'm not quitting. No way. I want that black belt. I want it bad. I think in some ways I want it more than losing weight. Which is weird because I've got to do one to get the other. I've been tracking and I've lost a couple of pounds last week. Now it's time to restart P90X and get back on the elliptical and FOCUS on the food.  It's been really hard since I've been managing the household and meals all by myself. Thinking of getting some help until Nanny gets back. No excuses though. Today I've got turkey chili in the crock pot waiting at home. Healthy and yummy and  perfect for this yucky rainy day.

Hope all is well with all of you! What have you done lately that you NEVER thought you could?

Cliff Note Version on My Life Lately

Last week I sat down and wrote this really awesome post. I did it on my iphone with the app. Shoulda known better. I've see trouble with that thing in the past and lost posts. And again I did lose it, so here I am trying to re-write it and then I just gave up and started over on a completely new one.

First let me say I've missed everyone. I've been just so overwhelmed and busy. There have been so many things going on that have led to my not being able nor motivated to post, but somewhere last week I realized that I miss this place. I miss purging my brain of bothersome thoughts or happy ones for that matter. I miss sharing what's happening with my friends here. Now maybe that makes me weird or pathetic, but the truth is I'm happier when I'm blogging. So I'm back, at least as back as I can. I've decided to get you updated on where I'm at now and what's been happening since my last post in November. Yikes that's a while ago.

1. My weight is the same as it was last post. I was up and I'm back down. I think this issue is part of the reason I haven't been back sooner. Then I realized that being away from blogging makes it worse. I'm here now. I'm moving forward.

2. My depression is much better. I'm on the right meds now, I think. I even avoided my SAD time this year which was great. Especially considering the emormous stress I've been under.

3. I'm still working out and doing taekwondo. I can't tell you how proud I am of myself for this fact. I was out of TKD for 2 weeks over the holiday as the gym was closed. I had also hurt my knee a little. I have a quadriceps tendonitis which I'm nursing. I'm sure this is exacerbated by my weight gain and the increased kicking and jumping at class, but it's getting better. I'm really trying to get back to P90X, but I'm waiting until after next week's test. I have a biggie coming up.....red belt.

In case you're wondering the order is brown, red, red-black and then black. So after this test I'll have just one belt and then black. It's a big deal. There is so much maerial, but I love it as much as ever. I'll admit that there have been times with my depression that I was down and even considered quitting, because I was so upset with myself for gaining weight. BUT I realized that quiting was NOT an option. Not by any means. So here I am, fat girl doing the 360 jump axe kicks and 360 jump back kicks and all the other stuff.

4. I got an elliptical for Christmas. My schedule has been super crazy which I'll discuss more in a bit, but getting to the gym has been a nightmare. Now I have my own elliptical and I can hop on anytime. And in case you're wondering, yes I AM actually using it. Although I've been doing 4-5 classes a week of TKD leading up to the test next week.

5. The office has been completely nuts. Nearly unmanagable with the flu season. It's the worst I've seen since I've been in practice, but luckily it is starting to calm down. Add the extra business and usual chaos and my work has been overwhelming. Sometimes I really wish I did not own my practice. There are definite cons to being the boss sometimes.

6.  My son is still a teenager.  He has his first girlfriend. Sigh.......
7. My girls are still busy and silly and handfuls.
8. My Sooners kinda suck.
9. My Cowboys definitely suck.
10. My Mavs suck.
11. My Rangers are....stagnant.

12. I was sick with the flu just before Christmas. Then I got a sinus infection that led to asthma and steroids and such. Then a stomach bug. I'm tired of being sick lately.

13. I'm glad the election is over. I'm tired of hearing about guns.

14. I've been desparately trying to declutter my house. It's getting there. Sometimes I swear there's a clutter fairy who brings more junk in the middle of the night.

15. The holidays were good. I had a house full of guests from 12/21/12-1/3/13. See above regarding clutter.

16. The biggest and most stressful thing happening these days is that my Nanny of nearly 11 years had to go back to Italy. I diagnosed her husband with cancer the day after Christmas. It was sudden and unexpected and very serious. He didn't have insurance so they went back to Italy to get treatment. (I won't evern get started on how messed up our medical system is in this country that a man who has worked here for nearly 20 years paying taxes and got laid off now has to leave the country for healthcare.) After so long, they are both like our family. It has been devastating. My girls cried for 2 hours when we told them. I diagnosed him and they were gone 4 days later. It has been so hard on my kids and it breaks my heart for Nanny and her family. It's so hard not being able to do something. She is truly one of my closest friends and I miss her terribly.  My kids miss her so much and it breaks my heart every time they ask when she'll be back. She and hopefully he will be back, we just don't know when. Their life is here and all of their kids and grandkids are here.  We try to email and we've talked on the phone a few times, but the 7 hour time difference is very hard. I hope to connect with them by Skype this week.

On a practical note not having help at home has been awful. The girls are in after school care. My mom picks up son from school every day. There is no bus to our neighborhood. The rule is 2 miles. Of course sometimes he walks, but 2 miles is a long way to carry a French Horn and back pack full of books.  My husband has changed his work schedule some and works at home some days. He also gets home a bit earlier. I definitely don't have the time for the gym and workouts I used to. I'm still squeezing them in, but it is way harder. I get up early and instead of a workout I have to do laundry and house work. The kids and hubby help a lot, but there are somethings only I can really do. Most days I don't get home until 6pm and then it's dinner, etc. Nanny used to cook several days a week.
On the bright sider, our family is pulling together and helping each other out. It's forced us into meal planning because I refuse to go back to eating out like we used to.  I don't sit much anymore because there is just no time to. 

You'd think I would've lost more weight with all this going on. I know my eating has been marginal at times. I haven't been tracking like I should and I'm turing it around. I did track all last week and lost weight. Duh. Eating right and exercise and you'll lose weight. I think part of it is the stress and I haven't been sleeping like I should. Most of it is my eating and I'm really working to reign that in.

Today, I'm super tired. I haven't slept well the last few nights. I had a particularly stressful week last week at work and that combined with the mild back strain I suffered at TKD on Friday kept me up a bit. I'm going home at lunch to lie on the ice pack.  I have to be up for class tomorrow so in addition to the ice I will be doing some mild stretching and a few minutes on the elliptical no necessarily in that order. I also have to swing by the store to pick up some milk as my kid's heads will explode if we don't have it.

Hope you all have a good Monday. I'm sure glad to be back. I've been reading and lurking all along. Drop me a line and let me know what's up. BTW thanks SOOOOOOOOOO much to those of you who left comments asking where I've been and checking on me. It meant a lot and it's a big reason I'm back now. So many thanks. You know who you are.

Where Have I Been?

Well, that's a really good question.  First, I want to thank those of you who emailed me to ask where I've been. It's always nice to know I have people who care about me. You are the reason I'm back to be honest, well, at least ONE of them.

Where have I been?

The simple answer is I've been busy. The real answer is much more complicated. I've been stressed to the max in both my professional and personal life and struggling. A host of things I cannot discuss here. The problems left me spiraling down into a dark place. Depression I've known, but this one was bad. I found myself withdrawing from my life. When I saw myself even withdrawing from my family, I knew I needed help. I've started getting help now and I do feel better.

Now, I'm just dealing with the aftermath of the episode. When you are in the midst of depression you really cannot see a way out. Your world narrows until you only see the negative things. You start to feel hopeless and that there is no way out. When you're in the midst of  deep depression you are not living anymore, only surviving. When you have entered survival mode, you don't think about consequences to you or those around you. It's really a very selfish state actually. It's all about you and how bad you feel.  You lose sight of goals and desires and wants. There isn't thought of the future or looking forward to things because for you, at that moment, you see nothing but the pain you're in right then.

Now, I feel like I'm waking from a long, deep sleep. You know that confusion you get when you wake up from a long nap and you're not really sure what time it is or where you are? Ever have that? Well, that's where I've been. In the midst of my depression I didn't want to be here.  Because here meant writing about how I was and what was happening. That meant facing it. I wasn't ready until now.

Looking back on the last 2 months I see I was selfish, things weren't as bad as I thought. But, I'll tell you, for those of you who have never had true Major Depression, at the time I really couldn't see it. I couldn't be thankful for what I had. I couldn't look on the bright side because I really truly couldn't see one. And this is why I tell my patients that you can't "pep talk" your way out of depression. It helps to have a positive outlook. It helps to try to think positively, but real depression is chemical. It is your brain FLOODED with uncontrollable dark and sad and angry and hopeless thoughts. It's an onslaught that you cannot defend.

And there's guilt. So much guilt at not being really "there" for you family. I got pretty good at pretending with my kids. I don't think the kids knew how bad things were. I really try to be the Mom they need even at my own expense, no matter what. But I knew I wasn't really in the moment for them and I felt very guilty about it.  And then I'd feel sad because I wasn't enjoying those times with my kids. There's guilt about not doing the things I knew I should to take care of myself, not eating right, not exercising, not blogging. Which would make me feel worse. That whole pain-guilt-sad-pain cycle was going round and round for me. That's what I'm working very hard to put and end to right now.

And that's where coming back here is an issue. Have I gained weight? You know I have. More guilt, more shame, more frustration, more hopelessness. I couldn't come back here to wallow in that. I won't. It would only get me going in the wrong direction. I have to be honest that I am not back to where I want to be mentally or physically. I am determined to get back to where I was and I'm not talking about the scale.  I was afraid to come here and talk about my weight gain and my struggles at the risk of my fragile state. I knew attacks by those not as understanding or supportive around here would be too much. I wasn't ready for any "tough love" or especailly full on onslaught which can happen to those of us putting ourselves out there.

Over the last weeks as I've begun to emerge from my despair I've looked around and missed the support and friends I have found here. I've started to be able to look around and count my blessings. Of course seeing my friends struggle through the chaos of a huge hurricane and losing everything helps with that immensely. It puts things in perspective for sure. 

So that's where I've been.

I'd rather begin to focus on where I'm going. I've started the process of figuring out how I got where I was in hopes of never returning.  I still turn to food way too quickly for comfort. I've got to figure out why and find other outlets.  I've started to slowly put pieces in place to begin to move forward again. It's time for me to get back on track.  I'm still having some hard days, but things are better. I'm looking forward to Christmas and I had a good Thanksgiving weekend.

Today, coming here to write is another step. Putting myself out there and looking for a way back. I've still been going to TKD classes. I didn't want to at times as much as before, but I think it is very positive I've kept up with that. Now it's a matter of getting my other daily workouts back in place. That's the plan. And finally the food and tracking and the water.  One day at a time, right?

I feel better already.

Wednesday Weigh-in and Other stuff.

I had planned to write a humorous and inspiring post today, but instead you get this. This will have to do.

Things I'm thinking about today:

1.  Seeing Peyton Manning in the Denver jersey is weird. But he's still awesome. Not that great last night, but he's not a one man band. He does need help. Help us all when he's back to speed.

2.  For the love of all that is holy, get the REAL refs back. Right now. Thanks.

3.  Testosterone does NOT fix everything.  You might be wondering why this would even come up. Well, I listen to a lot of sports radio. Testosterone is all the rage these days. (Haha. Punny, I know!)  Every 30 seconds there's another radio spot about how testosterone declines as you get older and it will "decrease abdominal fat, increase energy, sex drive," blah blah blah....I've had 24 year old men in my office wanting testosterone. There's a reason that this stuff is not allowed as a performance enhancer, people. I've even had women wanting it. UGH........These commercial make it sound like we should just give it to everyone so we'd all be slim and muscular and have energy and great sex lives! We'd also have acne and hair in all the wrong places and RAGE and cholesterol through the roof, but that's another subject.

4.   Why will people go to Wal-Mart and dish out $200 for a basket FULL of CRAP food but refuse to pay me $20 for their copay to get their diabetes under control? Why do they think it's OK to say, "I don't have it. You'll have to bill me". I'm pretty sure they don't say that in the checkout line when they're buying their pop-tarts. Sigh.....

5. Would it be bad for me to super glue my son's locker key to his forehead? 4th week of school and he's already forgotten his key at least once every week. This necessitates ME returning HOME to get said key and drive it BACK through the traffic. Sigh.....

6.  One-arm pushups are hard.  I did them yesterday during my P90X workout. I was quite pleased to do a grand total of TWO each arm, "real ones" and 6 more each side on my knees. My chest hurts today. A lot.

7.  I love, LOVE it when people underestimate me.  So I'm at Costco. Kid is bagging my stuff in my ginormous Sam's bags (I know).  Kid (19-20 year old boy..... my GOD I'm old) says to me "Uh.....I don't think you can lift all that in there."  And so....  I grin.......Um....And I say to him, "Thanks, but I do this all the time. I did 150 push ups the other day, I'm almost a black belt in TKD AND I can bench more weight than you I'll bet." Chuckling, "I'll be fine. Put that stuff in the bag. I'm more worried about the bag holding up than ME being able to lift it." Look on his face...priceless. RESPECT. I may be as old as your Mom or look that way, but I 'aint your Mom.

8. I really love coffee.  That is all.

9. I think people need to remember that we are all just people.  There is an awful lot of discord in the world. It's horrifying. I'm afraid to even let my kids watch the news. Between the election and the world wide rioting it is just plain frightening. I'm starting to thing a zombie apocalypse might be easier to deal with. Let's all just be nice to each other, shall we? If only......

10.  Wednesday Weigh-IN:  I forgot to weigh today. Dumb shit. Actually no, I was dealing with a couple of girls who would NOT stop bickering. OH MY GOSH I thought I was going to LOSE it on 'em. Anyhoo....I did weigh yesterday and as of yesterday I had lost an additional 3 pounds. I also did my measurements for the end of the 1st phase of the P90X. I have lost a total of 5inches and 8 pounds since starting the program 36 days ago. Not too shabby I think. I'm pretty pleased. Especially since it is HARD. Really really hard and I'm not quitting so results makes it worth it.

Alrighty then, that's about all there is to it. I have a bored meeting....I mean...Board Meeting tonight so I'm missing the homecoming pep rally which I suppose is a bummer if you're me, but "yippee" if you're my son because now he gets to "hang" with his friends. Hope you all are doing well. Doing anything new on the exercise of food fronts lately? How do you keep from getting bored?  I'll tell you that this P90X program keeps you guessing!